Vik-Thor's Journal

 Prompt: Someone who will love you in all your damaged glory

ooof.


A lot of the time, I do have trouble believing that I am loved. To be fair, I am a bit aromantic. I know something should be romantic, and I can forta fake it sometimes (or that is how it feels.)

Early Gen X, born late 1967, only child.
During a lot of the mid 1980s-2000, I really was not expecting to actually be alive now, or for the world itself to be around (well, technically, Western Civilization, the current 'peak' of humanity's evolution. and YES, I know there is a TON of baggage associated with that phrasing. Who knows, we may unpack some of that together over the coming weeks...)

The main reason I was a bit nihilistic was the world at the time. 
I grew up in Illinois as far as I can remember. Not the Chicago metro (though I do have maternal relatives who live up there.) but small, rural towns. Oakwood, Vermillion County, Illinois. East of Champaign/Urbana, fairly close to the Indiana border. (East Central Illinois)
In the summer between 5th and 6th grade, we moved to Union County, Illinois. This is almost as far south as you can go in Illinois, There is one tier of counties south of Union, and they are small/oddly shaped due to the Ohio River joining the Mississippi.
We did have family close by, which we did not in Oakwood. Mom's family is from the Johnson / Williamson county border area. Part of the farm she grew up on was taken by Lake of Egypt in the early 1960s. Dad's family is from Hamilton / Wayne / White counties.
Maternal ancestors have a deep history in Johnson County IL, from what I've traced. I've found most of them in the 1880 Census.
Paternally, I have not had that much luck. There has also been a lot of divorces in that ancestral line...

But, we were talking about my lack of connection, and the fact that I am frankly totally surprised (when I think about it) that I have a husband, and the 20th anniversary of our Civil Union is this Sunday (07 July 2024). O.O We went to the 2004 AnthroCon in Boston, and took a side trip up to Bennington VT, to get a Civil Union, since that was the most we could do at the time. (We were actually living in Phoenix AZ at the time.)

Going back to the mid 1980s... I was a gay kid, in the midst of the AIDS crisis. (I had acknowledged to myself sometime in high school...) I didn't really feel a connection to any of the Christian Churches, and did basically come out of the broom closet as a NeoPagan early in my college career. 

What is LOVE?
I don't know. I don't know if I have ever felt the BIG OVERWHELMING LOVE that is 'supposed' to be the standard version of love.
I do know I have a strong affection for family and pets.A bit stronger than what I feel for good friends.
I assume my husband feels at least the same for me, since we've been together for so long.

But Love?
Don't know

I don't think there are many stories about sentient trees, and the fact that I read one this week makes me want to wrote about it here. (I may try to do some fanfic based on it at some point... maybe.)

The book is The Wrath of Trees, (c) 2011 by Bard Bloom (aka Sythyry from LiveJournal.) This exists in the same multiverse as the World Tree RPG, or more specifically Sythyry's Journals. The main character of The Wrath of Trees is Melyl, a maraleni from the World Tree. She was sold into slavery on Kono (where this novel takes place) by Vae in Ambassador to a Monster: Sythyry's Journal V.2, for a used garden trowel. This exchange is mentioned in passing in Sythyry, when Vae gives zie the trowel to sell in Vheshrame. The exchange is described in the past in Wrath, in the beginning.

Maraleni are dioecious plants, with two types of fruit. The common type, when eaten, allow the maraleni access to the being's mind. She can talk telepathically if the being is sentient, otherwise she can somewhat control their actions. She can also cast some spells through her immara (beings who have eaten fruit.) Spells mentioned are: levitation, invisibility, quiet, illusions, talking using fur of feathers, healing. These spells do not seem to be cley based (as much of the magic of the World Tree universe is, but not all.) The common type do not have seeds so would not technically be fruit, but they are describes as such. The second type of fruit is reproductive, which Melyl describes but doesn't grow in the story, as she is the only one of her species on Kono.

Kono itself is an odd world. (Bard has a habit of dreaming up odd worlds.) Kono is a conical opening in a surrounding matrix (which is not described). There are patches of light on the inner surface of the cone, which rotate around the surface of the cone, faster as get nearer the tip of the cone. The bottom portion of the cone is comprised of a fresh water ocean of an unknown depth. There are at least 3 land masses floating on the ocean surface, along with Mount Myru in the center. Mount Myru is the hub of Kono, and is the tip of a tentacle of a vast being known as The Twisting Queen. It will periodically (centuries or millenia) reach out to another world and grab portions of it, setting it down on the main continent of Ozotta. Each time bringing new ecosystems, each with their own intelligent beings. There have been at least 4 separate 'kidnapping' events, with 4 separate types of life.

<img src='https://vik-thor.dreamwidth.org/file/787.jpg' alt='World of Kono, a conical world, showing the 3 landmasses and the various suns, with an inset of The Twisting Queen' title='Kono' />


The main beings that Melyl interacts with are the Lakku, a bipedal doglike species from the 3rd wave, that are currently the most common on Kono. Melyl ends up being a spy-master for one faction.

 I think I will try LJ Idol again.

 Who are my personal icons?

This is actually a somewhat difficult question for me, in some ways…
Part of it is that I have not really examined my thoughts / life regarding this, which is probably not a good thing. I tend to live my life day to day, as it happens. I make plans, but not really long-term goals.

Another part of the problem, is that I think my memory works differently than most peoples. (I should probably see a psychist at some point, to figure out if my memory is actually unusually bad, or if I just think it is.)
One example: I could not tell you what color my husband’s eyes are. To tell the truth, I actually don’t even know what color my parents’ eyes are.

Another example: I know I went to see an 80’s Music tour @ the St Charles Family Arena. Howard Jones was the main act, along with Men Without Hats (the main one I wanted to see), Katrina (from Katrina and the Waves), and one other act, that I can’t remember without looking it up. I know it wasn’t one of my favorites. I know it was while Seph was working @ WalMart in St Charles, because he dropped me off, and then I took an Lyft from the Arena to WalMart to get our car, to drive home. (He worked overnight’s.) But I truthfully could not tell you if it was in 2016 or 2017.

That is pretty much my entire life. I know I did things, but the details…

 

After that digression:

Probably my biggest icon is Isaac Asimov. Mostly because of the breadth of his writing. I’ve enjoyed his science fiction, and his non-fiction. Over 400 books, and I believe I have read that he is one of the few people to have books in every one of the main 10 Dewey Decimal divisions. And I have a large proportion of his books, but nowhere near a majority.

Other than that… I don’t really know.

Probably a friend, TC. He is a little bit older than me, and we are similar in some ways, but he has done so much more with his life. Though he has had a lot more bad things happen in his life than I have, too. But he is always quite positive and helpful.

After that, it would be people I admire, but I don’t really think it would go up to icon status. People like Fran, Ursula Vernon, Brad Dowdy, George Takei, Presidents Carter and Obama… and my husband, Seph for putting up with me.

I have shot a rifle before. Long ago. I think even before we moved to Cobden. I even owned one, I even still have the stock of it, but somewhere in my (too) many moves, I seem to have lost the barrel.

With all that is going on in the USA recently, I am wanting to pick up a new one, and officially get training in use and care of it. (Yes, it is usually the Republicans who tend to do that type of stuff, because they are afraid of “Liberals taking away their guns!” with gun control. When really, most people in the country just want it so that the people who have guns know how to use them safely. At least that is how it seems to me.)

I already have a friend who has bought a shotgun for self-protection / home-protection, and he is probably one of the most ‘Liberal’ people I know, at least probably according to most of the current Christian Dominionist Republicans. The ones who would gladly take away his and my rights to even exist.

Somehow, I think that my fear of being erased from existence is closer to reality under the present administration / regime than their fear of having their guns taken away by the previous administration.

President #45’s first official ‘press conference’, with hand picked reporters, still doesn’t go quite as he hoped. The first reporter went with their journalistic integrity, and actually asked a relevant question or at least attempted to before he shut them down, yelling “That is NOT an approved question! You are only supposed to ask questions from the preapproved list you were handed! You’re FIRED! NEXT!!!”

He points to another reporter, who stands, holds up a sheet of paper and says, “You mean these pabulum questions? We’ll be releasing them to the public so they know what you want to talk about, but…” tears the sheet in half and drops it to the ground. And the majority of the reporters in the room yell in unison “We want to know why you haven’t released your tax forms!”

45 gets red in the face. “Who cares! Old News! Noone wants that! You are all FIRED!!! One more chance!” Points to a man holding up his hand with a BREITBART sign in it. “Steve’s lackey, from Breitbart!”

“Mr. President, how do you feel about the rumours that there are neoNazi’s among your supporters?”

“Well now, even though that isn’t one of the officially worded questions, it is close enough. Remember in the future, when Breitbart is our OFFICIAL NEWS OUTLET! To ask the questions as they are written for you! Now obviously the Nazis are dead, we defeated them in that big war in the 40s! That my grandparents fought in! We killed them all dead! There are no more Nazis! Anyone who claims there are still Nazis around is a LYING LIAR! The Liberals want to make you think there are still Nazis around to keep you scared but they are all dead. Just like anyone who opposes us will end up being!” Pauses for a second. “After all, everyone dies sometime, right?” With a bit of a grin on his face.

Press Flack Spicer comes on stage, “NO MORE QUESTIONS! THIS INTERVIEW OVER! CLEAR THE ROOM!” As others among 45’s ‘loyal guard’ rush him back stage.

The official transcript is released the next day on Breitbart.com under header OFFICIAL NEWS OUTLET, without the last two sentences of 45’s rant. Lackey Conway says “Lord Trump never uttered those words that you think He did!”

Breitbart is DDOSed after instituting a NO COMMENTS policy on their ‘stories’, to be replaced by raw footage of the press conference, on a loop.

Everyone expected the Trumpish Inquisition.

Nobody expected him to actually take the Presidency seriously. But after the first couple months he buckled down, made some key changes in his Cabinet, and became one of the best Presidents ever.

When Betsy DeVoss tried to get Christian Creation Science inserted into the curriculum of all schools nationwide, he uttered his famous phrase: “You’re FIRED.” on his first national TV address. In an act of surprising candor, he continued, “Truthfully, I was even more surprised than Hillary at my election. What I was really wanting to do was just expose how corrupt the system had gotten. I lost sight of that, and let it go to my head for awhile. I never expected the Senate to confirm all my Cabinet picks! I am submitting a new list of Cabinet Secretaries to the Senate as I speak. These Secretaries actually know the subject of their Cabinet posts, not in an adversarial way. As an example, my new pick for Secretary of Education is C.G.P. Grey.”

“I am also asking Congress to work on making gerrymandering obsolete.”

Life always includes struggles:
once they are no more
there is always death.