LJ Idol Week 4: narcissism

It's hard to get my little internal narrator to stay quiet for very long. He is almost constantly nagging me, saying I should have done this, shouldn't have done that, should have done the other thing a different way.

Jos recently interviewed for a Distribution Manager position with his company, in New Orleans. I was hoping he would get it, but that little narrator was saying: "If he gets it, you won't be able to try for the position with your company in St. Louis. You won't be as close to your family, as you would be in St. Louis."

It tells me that I am a bad boyfriend, that I don't support Jos enough in what he is wanting to do, I'n not doing enough to get his business going strong, that I am deliberately trying to keep it from going strong, because if it does, I won't be able to try for St. Louis.

I should have held the door for the lady coming in from the parking lot at work, even though I would have been to the stairs if I didn't, and she is more than capable of opening the door on her own.

I shouldn't have even tried this competition, because I'm only going to fail. I'm going to make myself look silly, in front of who knows how many people.

Don't bother calling ISAC and argue about being double charged for student loan, you won't get anywhere anyway, they'll just tell me to call NCO, who will tell me to call Great Lakes, who will tell me to call ISAC…


It takes an effort to get it to shut up for a short time, to just relax. To realize that I am not a bad person. That I may not be a perfect person, but dang it, I am worthy of being loved, or at least liked. by myself, if nobody else.

This is my entry in Week 4 of therealljidol