LJ Idol (2024 edition) Week 1

[vik_thor]

 Prompt: Someone who will love you in all your damaged glory

ooof.


A lot of the time, I do have trouble believing that I am loved. To be fair, I am a bit aromantic. I know something should be romantic, and I can forta fake it sometimes (or that is how it feels.)

Early Gen X, born late 1967, only child.
During a lot of the mid 1980s-2000, I really was not expecting to actually be alive now, or for the world itself to be around (well, technically, Western Civilization, the current 'peak' of humanity's evolution. and YES, I know there is a TON of baggage associated with that phrasing. Who knows, we may unpack some of that together over the coming weeks...)

The main reason I was a bit nihilistic was the world at the time. 
I grew up in Illinois as far as I can remember. Not the Chicago metro (though I do have maternal relatives who live up there.) but small, rural towns. Oakwood, Vermillion County, Illinois. East of Champaign/Urbana, fairly close to the Indiana border. (East Central Illinois)
In the summer between 5th and 6th grade, we moved to Union County, Illinois. This is almost as far south as you can go in Illinois, There is one tier of counties south of Union, and they are small/oddly shaped due to the Ohio River joining the Mississippi.
We did have family close by, which we did not in Oakwood. Mom's family is from the Johnson / Williamson county border area. Part of the farm she grew up on was taken by Lake of Egypt in the early 1960s. Dad's family is from Hamilton / Wayne / White counties.
Maternal ancestors have a deep history in Johnson County IL, from what I've traced. I've found most of them in the 1880 Census.
Paternally, I have not had that much luck. There has also been a lot of divorces in that ancestral line...

But, we were talking about my lack of connection, and the fact that I am frankly totally surprised (when I think about it) that I have a husband, and the 20th anniversary of our Civil Union is this Sunday (07 July 2024). O.O We went to the 2004 AnthroCon in Boston, and took a side trip up to Bennington VT, to get a Civil Union, since that was the most we could do at the time. (We were actually living in Phoenix AZ at the time.)

Going back to the mid 1980s... I was a gay kid, in the midst of the AIDS crisis. (I had acknowledged to myself sometime in high school...) I didn't really feel a connection to any of the Christian Churches, and did basically come out of the broom closet as a NeoPagan early in my college career. 

What is LOVE?
I don't know. I don't know if I have ever felt the BIG OVERWHELMING LOVE that is 'supposed' to be the standard version of love.
I do know I have a strong affection for family and pets.A bit stronger than what I feel for good friends.
I assume my husband feels at least the same for me, since we've been together for so long.

But Love?
Don't know

Comments

[adoptedwriter]

Hugs... Sounds like a level of love in some way to me. Happy Civil Union-a-versary!

[swirlsofpurple]

Thank you for sharing, such an honest personal take

[rayaso]

This was so personal and honest, and you did a great job writing it.

[halfshellvenus]

All of this sounds like love to me. Not passionate love, maybe, but definitely love. It sounds as if you have good things in your life, and you and the people/pets around you know. That's all that matters.

Happy Anniversary!

[winter_time]

Exactly what I was thinking!

[murielle]

Wow! You know so much about your history. I know next to nothing.

I expect it can take a lifetime to figure out love and what it means to us, how we define it. But, it seems to me you're living it. :-)

[roina_arwen]

I’m glad you and hubby found each other. I’m a ‘67 kid too.

[static_abyss]

Congratulations on your anniversary! I'm glad you are here to share your stories with us. Also, to be fair, love is complicated. I've simply chosen to stop trying to define what I feel and just go with it.

[banana_galaxy]

Congratulations on your anniversary. 20 years is incredible, even if you don't know what love is. Did you do anything to celebrate?

[bleodswean]

Us, Gen Xers. Never thought I'd wistfully look back on the 80s...but things change! Everything you've written about here defines Love.

[winter_time]

I'm the opposite, in that I'm very romantic (though I've only ever been in love once), and even so, everything you wrote here does sound like love to me too. Happy anniversary too, 20 years is awesome <3

[mollywheezy]

I am also an only child, not too much younger than you, and grew up not very far away. That was a hard time to grow up gay. I'm glad you and your husband found each other. Happy 20th!

[alycewilson]

Congrats on your anniversary!

[erulissedances]

Love is one of those strange things that is self-defined and very specific to each individual.

- Erulisse (one L)

[fausts_dream]

Happy anniversary!!

I dated a couple of women who now consider themselves ace. The experience was satisfactory for me. It sounds like you and hubby are a good fit.

[gunwithoutmusic]

Congratulations on the anniversary; my husband and I just passed our 8th a few weeks ago. I can relate to this in many ways, which I'll leave at that to avoid getting too personal. :) I'm glad that you're still in because I really did enjoy this; it felt very raw. I look forward to more from you!